So I had to write a satire paper for my English class. At first I really struggled with finding a good topic, but then after an intense brainstorming session, I finally got something. Here's the (rough draft) end result:

MacDonwald’s Miracle

In today’s society, the focus is on being thin. With more diet foods and cure-alls being brought to public knowledge every day, it’s hard to know exactly what to choose. Acai berries or lettuce? OROVO or Noxycut? You think you’ve hit on the one remedy that’s right for you, the one that will make everything better, only to be let down in the end. It could be the food, the commercialized product…. Or it could be your body. Is your body against you being the way that society wants you to be? Stomach stapling is an easy and time-saving way to cut your body down to size in no time flat. With less space comes less responsibility, and who doesn’t want that? But in this case, less space also equals less enjoyment. The food you eat fills you up faster, and you can’t eat as long or as much. But many say that that is a small price to pay for the end result of becoming thin.

However, what if you didn’t need to pay in order to enjoy your food and become slender? What if you could eat a fat, juicy burger to your heart’s content and actually have it help you drop pounds? Sound impossible? Let one of the thousands of people who have tried and been satisfied by this world-changing new product banish your doubts once and for all.

“Juggling dieting, exercise, pills, and doctor’s consultations, all on top of my busy schedule, had me really burned out,” Wanda B. Manly of Cawdor, Massachusetts, sighs during an interview with Dunsinane Daily. “You’d think that all of my efforts, on top of the stress, would help me to lose weight. But despite everything, I was still a whopping two-hundred and thirty pounds. I was on the verge of considering surgery, like liposuction. I’d already tried everything else. I didn’t care what it took, I just wanted my life back.

“I was used to eating tasteless foods that promised to help me lose pounds. I came to believe that if it tasted good, then it was going to make my problem even worse. When MacDonwald’s came out with their new SlimMac, marketed to help you lose pounds just by eating it, I didn’t believe it. I thought it was just like all the other foods that I had tried— a big fat lie.

“But I was wrong. Almost immediately after it came out, people all over the country were raving about the SlimMac. They were saying how amazing it was, how the secret ingredients in it really did work, and how, within only weeks of eating it, they were seeing fantastic results. Even my doctor recommended it to me. So finally, I caved in. I had to try it.

“I haven’t looked back since,” Manly laughs, adding, “The SlimMac changed my life. I lost forty pounds in the first three weeks of eating it for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The special secret ingredients worked with my body to suck away the fat on my stomach and form flat, sexy abs. When asked what gym I go to in order to get my hot, shapely legs, I just smile and say that now, all I have to do is sit on the couch all day! When I told my doctor about what had happened, he only grinned at me and said, ‘I told you so.’

“When I was asked to do an interview about how my life changed due to the SlimMac, I didn’t hesitate to say yes. Everybody should be eating this burger! It truly is a revolutionary addition to the American diet. MacDonwald’s has outdone itself with not only this burger that tastes like a million bucks, but also its other Slim products, such as the SlimSpuds fries, the SlimCow shakes, and the SlimShiver ice cream cone. Not one of them tastes like something you’d feed to your dog— this is bona fide human fare, right here. This is not your normal burger; this is truly the cream of the crop.

“Now my life, like so many others’, revolves around nothing but MacDonwald’s. Any time I feel hungry, I swing by one of their chain restaurants and grab a SlimMeal. Thanks to their SlimMeal line’s success, they even do home deliveries, so I don’t have to lift a finger to do anything else besides dial their number, and they’re at my house with my burger and fries in minutes. It’s great! Every day I wake up and thank God for sending down to earth MacDonwald’s and its SlimMeal line; I truly believe that they are both heaven-sent, and that the good Lord was thinking specifically of me when he sent them.”


I need some second-hand opinions, so please throw at me whatever you think! I really want this paper to be good. ^__^ Plus, I have to present it vocally, as well, so.... Yeah. It's gotta be at least presentable! Thanks!

(Just a note: I threw in some references to Macbeth in there. Just for fun, and I also figured it might help me score points with the teacher, lol.)